The Man With 48 Toilet Rolls

You can never have too many toilet rolls.

Toilet rolls are, after all, an essential human requirement. In 1957, American Psychologist Robert Maslow identified the 'heirarchy of needs', the things that all people need in order to feel safe, secure, and happy. Flat screen televisions were there, I am sure, as were fast access to the internet, chocolate biscuits, and toilet rolls.

So it is therefore entirely correct that I should ensure that my home always has an adequate supply. You never know when there may be a shortage, after all.

I am, nonetheless, quite frugal when it comes to actually spending money on these essential luxuries. Some toilet rolls are very expensive, and I will not buy them. Mentally I have resigned myself to the knowledge that 12 toilet rolls cost £5. This is a baseline price of 'the cheapest decent toilet rolls from Tesco' and therefore when I am buying toilet rolls, especially in quantities other than 12, I perform the correct mental calculations to ascertain whether the toilet rolls in front of me are in fact the very best value that can be obtained.

The Co-op at the bottom of my road is usually a very expensive place to buy toilet rolls, but sometimes there are special offers which sometimes swing the balance in their favour. The Co-op's own toilet rolls are often £2.35 for 4 - which, as I'm sure you've already worked out, is £7.05 for 12 and therefore not good value. A recent "Buy 2 for £3.25" offer swung the balance in their favour, calculating at an effective price of £4.87 for 12, which is better. More so if I factor in the implicit 10% discount that comes from a "£2 off when you spend more than £20" voucher which they keep giving me and which I therefore keep having to use. So I bought some of those, and placed them in my bathroom for a special occasion.

Today, upon arriving in my nearest Co-op, the whole place was filled with toilet rolls! Stocks had been specially brought in for this week's offer, which is on Andrex 9 packs. £5.89 each, or 2 for £6.50. I couldn't do this in my head but I never go shopping without a calculator in my pocket (OK, my phone) and from this I was able to do the numbers. 18 toilet rolls for £6.50 works out at £4.33 for 12. £4.33 is less than £5, so the deal is good, and I can purchase them in good conscience. I made a note of this, in case it would come in useful.

Since I only needed about £7 worth of groceries this afternoon, but mindful of the fact that I had not just one but two "£2 off when you spend £20" vouchers in my pocket, I decided to take advantage of the offer, so I bought four packs of 9 toilet rolls for £13. Plus £7 groceries equals £20 and a few pence, plus voucher knocks off £2! A finer deal could not be had anywhere, I am sure. This is absolutely the optimum spending that could be achieved.

So if I factor in the 10% discount of the voucher, actually those toilet rolls only cost me £3.90 for 12! A 22% saving on already very cheap toilet rolls from Tesco. Yes indeed, it is a fine deal, and I am very smart for having noticed it and used it so well.

I did receive some very strange looks from the other customers as I helped myself to several armfuls of toilet rolls from the display in the middle of the store. They probably thought that they were observing some kind of lunatic. Ha, the fools, they have no idea. When the revolution comes, I will be the one with all the toilet rolls, and all the money I saved by only buying the right ones.

My bathroom now has 48 toilet rolls in it (18 Andrex Yellow, 18 Andrex White, and 12 Co-Op others, which I have not yet used from last time) so I think that I am adequately stocked for toilet rolls right now. Even if a good offer came around, I would not buy any more, not just yet, until I had used up most of these ones.

After all, there's no point in being silly about it.