It's not often that I have been sitting in quiet contemplation, only to rise to my feet having had an epiphany.
"I need to hire the London Symphony Orchestra!", I realised.
Then again, I probably couldn't afford them. So that's the end of that, then.
It's a very hard life being a creative genius. Wah!
Monday 28 April 2008
Thursday 24 April 2008
Nights: Into Dreams
When I was much younger, I went through a very brief period of being able to tell when I was dreaming. I'm not quite sure what it was that alerted me to the fact that I was dreaming (and yet still asleep) but once it became clear, I would say "My name is -Jack Bauer- and I can fly!" - and indeed I could, in fact, fly. Clearly there was nothing else to do. After all, I was too young to realise the fun that could have been had if only I had changed it to "My name is -Jack Bauer- and I can hear the supermodels coming."
It came and went like the phase it was, but in the last few months I've been reminded of it, and I realise that this ability has a proper name and everything. It's called "Lucid Dreaming" and lots of people do it. Many people train themselves to recognise when they're dreaming, so that even in their adult life they still get a chance to fly around a bit, or perhaps even party with the aforementioned supermodels.
Of course, like all self-improvement, the idea of having to "work" hard to "learn" the necessary "skill" of being able to "train" yourself to do something... it all sounds like far too much hassle for a dollar. But this... this could actually be something where I might just want to put the hours in.
As ever, it seems that technology can help. Here's the coolest thing. Scientists tell us that dreaming occurs during "REM sleep" - not the pop group with that bald guy, but Rapid Eye Movement. It's not too difficult to make something that can tell when someone is moving their eyes. So you can make something that knows when someone is dreaming.
Secondly, you may well have had dreams where noises, smells or lights from the 'waking' environment around you have actually become a part of your dream. Ever had a song or a news bulletin from your bedside radio make its way into your dream? Even while dreaming you can still be influenced by the real world.
Thidly, an interesting observation. When you're asleep, your body releases all kinds of chemicals to stop your arms and legs moving around. Otherwise you'd be injuring yourself and jumping out of bed and crashing into things all the time while you were asleep. That's fine. But if you dream that you're looking up, or down, or around, then your eyes actually move in real life. (Even if they're shut, which, of course, they would be.)
So nowfor the Mad Scientist bit. If all those things are true, then not only can you make something that can tell when you're dreaming, but it can then use sounds and lights to let you know that you’re dreaming - without waking you up. What's more, once you get the message and realise that you're asleep, then you can signal back to it (perhaps by looking upwards twice) that you've got the message, and it can stop making those noises and flashing those lights now.
Now, admittedly, I didn't think all this up by myself. Other people got there long before I did. But not only is this possible, it actually works. Cool idea, huh. Imagine a dream where, right from the get-go, a familiar voice whispers in your ear, "You're dreaming.." What fun you could have.
Of course I jumped straight to the end there by picking up on the technological solution. But even without technology, lucid dreaming is quite possible once you know what to look for. Look at your watch. Is it sensible or just messed up? Look at it again. Is it the same time as it was before, or totally different now? Can you see any signs? Anything with writing on? Can you read that writing? If not, you might just be asleep.
Best thing of all, those recurring dreams that were such an annoyance, are now positively helpful! Late for school? You don’t go to school, you’re dreaming. And you can fly. Endlessly looking for a toilet? You’re asleep, you fool. Now go find those supermodels.
So for a while now, I’ve been looking out for signs that I’m dreaming. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Last night I spotted a recurring dream just in time to change direction, fly off to find someone, and give them a hug. Yes, I realise that does sound rather soppy. I’m not sure if I was totally in control of that dream (and strangely, I “woke up” from the lucid dream back into the normal dream rather than into the real world) but it’s little things like this that convince me I’m getting better at it. Practice makes perfect.
I can't help but feel like Dr Frankenstein, indulging in some dangerous experiment that could leave them permanently messed up, never quite sure if they're awake or asleep and constantly on the search for supermodels, or at least flapping their arms trying to take off. There's nothing to say that I might not like dreaming so much better than the real world that I might want to spend even more of my time there. I can well imagine completely coming offthe rails, a slave to a seductive fantasy world that only comes by night and makes everything else seem just unbearably ordinary.
Wish me luck!
It came and went like the phase it was, but in the last few months I've been reminded of it, and I realise that this ability has a proper name and everything. It's called "Lucid Dreaming" and lots of people do it. Many people train themselves to recognise when they're dreaming, so that even in their adult life they still get a chance to fly around a bit, or perhaps even party with the aforementioned supermodels.
Of course, like all self-improvement, the idea of having to "work" hard to "learn" the necessary "skill" of being able to "train" yourself to do something... it all sounds like far too much hassle for a dollar. But this... this could actually be something where I might just want to put the hours in.
As ever, it seems that technology can help. Here's the coolest thing. Scientists tell us that dreaming occurs during "REM sleep" - not the pop group with that bald guy, but Rapid Eye Movement. It's not too difficult to make something that can tell when someone is moving their eyes. So you can make something that knows when someone is dreaming.
Secondly, you may well have had dreams where noises, smells or lights from the 'waking' environment around you have actually become a part of your dream. Ever had a song or a news bulletin from your bedside radio make its way into your dream? Even while dreaming you can still be influenced by the real world.
Thidly, an interesting observation. When you're asleep, your body releases all kinds of chemicals to stop your arms and legs moving around. Otherwise you'd be injuring yourself and jumping out of bed and crashing into things all the time while you were asleep. That's fine. But if you dream that you're looking up, or down, or around, then your eyes actually move in real life. (Even if they're shut, which, of course, they would be.)
So nowfor the Mad Scientist bit. If all those things are true, then not only can you make something that can tell when you're dreaming, but it can then use sounds and lights to let you know that you’re dreaming - without waking you up. What's more, once you get the message and realise that you're asleep, then you can signal back to it (perhaps by looking upwards twice) that you've got the message, and it can stop making those noises and flashing those lights now.
Now, admittedly, I didn't think all this up by myself. Other people got there long before I did. But not only is this possible, it actually works. Cool idea, huh. Imagine a dream where, right from the get-go, a familiar voice whispers in your ear, "You're dreaming.." What fun you could have.
Of course I jumped straight to the end there by picking up on the technological solution. But even without technology, lucid dreaming is quite possible once you know what to look for. Look at your watch. Is it sensible or just messed up? Look at it again. Is it the same time as it was before, or totally different now? Can you see any signs? Anything with writing on? Can you read that writing? If not, you might just be asleep.
Best thing of all, those recurring dreams that were such an annoyance, are now positively helpful! Late for school? You don’t go to school, you’re dreaming. And you can fly. Endlessly looking for a toilet? You’re asleep, you fool. Now go find those supermodels.
So for a while now, I’ve been looking out for signs that I’m dreaming. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Last night I spotted a recurring dream just in time to change direction, fly off to find someone, and give them a hug. Yes, I realise that does sound rather soppy. I’m not sure if I was totally in control of that dream (and strangely, I “woke up” from the lucid dream back into the normal dream rather than into the real world) but it’s little things like this that convince me I’m getting better at it. Practice makes perfect.
I can't help but feel like Dr Frankenstein, indulging in some dangerous experiment that could leave them permanently messed up, never quite sure if they're awake or asleep and constantly on the search for supermodels, or at least flapping their arms trying to take off. There's nothing to say that I might not like dreaming so much better than the real world that I might want to spend even more of my time there. I can well imagine completely coming offthe rails, a slave to a seductive fantasy world that only comes by night and makes everything else seem just unbearably ordinary.
Wish me luck!
Wednesday 23 April 2008
A Pattern of Behaviour
At the moment I'm listening to the audiobook version of Richard Dawkins' best-seller, "The God Delusion". Somewhere around 7 hours in, there's a brief discussion of the best-selling children's game "Chinese Whispers", sometimes known as "Telephone".
It reminded me of my own experiences of playing this game. I think I was introduced to it when I first went to school, so I guess I must have been five or six years old at the time.
The rules of the game were explained. About 10 or 20 of us sat in a circle, teacher would whisper a phrase or saying in the ear of child number one, who would then whisper that in the ear of child number two, and so on around the circle. At the end of the circle, the remaining phrase would be revealed, now entirely mangled and errored-up by the process of being whispered and passed on through the miniscule brains of five-year-olds who were, of course, so much less clever than I was.
This game did not strike me as at all interesting, although I immediately saw a weakness in its construction. Clearly the maximum humour would be obtained if the phrase at the output end was wildly at variance with that of the input. Instead of relying on the normal process of five-year-olds mishearing and/or misunderstanding the essential information that is being passed on for your yuks, why leave it to chance?
So it was that day that the game proceeded, thus:
1. "Jack and Jill went up the hill."
2. "Jack and Jill went up the hill."
3. "Jack and Jill went up the hill."
4. "Farmer Brown Milks His Pigs By Midnight"
5. "Farmer Brown.. what?"
Skilled readers may be able to guess where I was sitting, from the above text.
"Farmer Brown Milks His Pigs By Midnight" is absolutely, genuinely, the phrase I used. I'm not sure why I should still remember it, 30 years on. It is, of course, an entirely incongrous phrase. It doesn't come up on Google at all, which just goes to prove what an artistic genius I am, having had a phrase of my own since such a young age. I expect it's even my own personal copyright, and everything. So no printing it on T-shirts without my permission.
It might even make a good title for a book. Preferably a book all about me, with words and chapters that were written by me... Yes, I must be sure to write this down.
It reminded me of my own experiences of playing this game. I think I was introduced to it when I first went to school, so I guess I must have been five or six years old at the time.
The rules of the game were explained. About 10 or 20 of us sat in a circle, teacher would whisper a phrase or saying in the ear of child number one, who would then whisper that in the ear of child number two, and so on around the circle. At the end of the circle, the remaining phrase would be revealed, now entirely mangled and errored-up by the process of being whispered and passed on through the miniscule brains of five-year-olds who were, of course, so much less clever than I was.
This game did not strike me as at all interesting, although I immediately saw a weakness in its construction. Clearly the maximum humour would be obtained if the phrase at the output end was wildly at variance with that of the input. Instead of relying on the normal process of five-year-olds mishearing and/or misunderstanding the essential information that is being passed on for your yuks, why leave it to chance?
So it was that day that the game proceeded, thus:
1. "Jack and Jill went up the hill."
2. "Jack and Jill went up the hill."
3. "Jack and Jill went up the hill."
4. "Farmer Brown Milks His Pigs By Midnight"
5. "Farmer Brown.. what?"
Skilled readers may be able to guess where I was sitting, from the above text.
"Farmer Brown Milks His Pigs By Midnight" is absolutely, genuinely, the phrase I used. I'm not sure why I should still remember it, 30 years on. It is, of course, an entirely incongrous phrase. It doesn't come up on Google at all, which just goes to prove what an artistic genius I am, having had a phrase of my own since such a young age. I expect it's even my own personal copyright, and everything. So no printing it on T-shirts without my permission.
It might even make a good title for a book. Preferably a book all about me, with words and chapters that were written by me... Yes, I must be sure to write this down.
Sunday 20 April 2008
Jigsaw
Progress is slow as The War on Clutter continues. I made a bit more space in my bedroom today, but it took several steps to get there.
1. Free up some space in the cupboard unit downstairs, by bravely and heroically throwing away a number of old videotapes. (Ruthless, huh.)
2. Move the CDs that I keep meaning to sell into the cupboard unit, thus emptying the plastic crate in the front room where I had been storing them up until now.
3. Move the plastic crate to the shed, leaving a space in the front room.
4. Finally sell the CDs, leaving space in the cupboard unit again. (Used up one cardboard box and many hoarded jiffy bags as packaging, as an extra bonus.)
5. Move CDs from CD Rack in bedroom to cupboard unit downstairs, leaving a space in the bedroom. Even if it is a bit dusty.
Saturday 5 April 2008
Dullard's Diary
1. Got rid of three bags of rubbish.
2. Found somewhere for the spare duvet to go, instead of it being parked in the hall.
3. Dismantled the cardboard box I had been using as an upstairs rubbish bin.
4. Wandered around the shops down the road looking for a proper rubbish bin.
5. Came home having found none that I liked, so decided to use a leftover paper bin from a broken shredder as the new upstairs rubbish bin. It looks nice but is really very much smaller.
6. Rang up to cancel my broadband. "You mean you want a MAC code to transfer to another company?" - "No, I actually want to cancel my broadband completely, I don't want it any more." - Saving £25 per month, which is nice.
7. Thought of other ways to save money.
8. Wondered if having an opinion about rubbish bins is a sign of getting old.
9. Resolved to continue throwing things away tomorrow.
2. Found somewhere for the spare duvet to go, instead of it being parked in the hall.
3. Dismantled the cardboard box I had been using as an upstairs rubbish bin.
4. Wandered around the shops down the road looking for a proper rubbish bin.
5. Came home having found none that I liked, so decided to use a leftover paper bin from a broken shredder as the new upstairs rubbish bin. It looks nice but is really very much smaller.
6. Rang up to cancel my broadband. "You mean you want a MAC code to transfer to another company?" - "No, I actually want to cancel my broadband completely, I don't want it any more." - Saving £25 per month, which is nice.
7. Thought of other ways to save money.
8. Wondered if having an opinion about rubbish bins is a sign of getting old.
9. Resolved to continue throwing things away tomorrow.
Wednesday 2 April 2008
Home Beautiful With Antnoise
All of a sudden, I find myself having more of an eye for interior design and the home beautiful. My attention gets caught by shows on Channel 4 like "Location Location Location Location Location Location Location" or whatever it's called, and suddenly the furniture section of the Argos catalogue has a purpose.
I must be getting old. Previously the only parts of the Argos catalogue which held any interest were the pages where the toys and electronics were housed. Those other pages - well, just silly really. Who knew? Perhaps I will buy a new bed to replace the slightly askew one which I currently sleep on, where springs leap out, their pointy ends surprising my fleshy behind. A new bed would indeed be nice.
A few days ago I went out and bought a laundry box. In which to put laundry in a tidy manner. It is pictured above, to the right. Isn't it nice?
In the past few days I have also started dismantling a rather unsatisfactory plastic cd/dvd rack which wobbles in the corner of my room. It has left a very pleasing space where it used to be. I am so enjoying this tidying-up business, it's going to be such a shame when it's over...
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