Military precision would be required if all my pockets full of change were to be subtly and cleverly converted into coins of larger denomination. No detail could be overlooked. The plan was perfect. Monday was the day it would go down. In and out, the exchanges made before they even knew what had hit them.
The time is 1pm. Synchronise watches. OK, just me. And I don't wear a watch. But let's not go into that. It's about to go down.
Target 1 - the Permit To Travel machine. Twenty five pees and two fifties go in, just like we rehearsed. A £2 "permit to travel" ticket comes out. A few minutes for the train to arrive and on board we go. Straight to the guard to buy a ticket. Payment by plastic of course, so for the permit to travel "I'll just give you that back in cash if that's OK?". Yes, of course it is. You're going to hand me a £2 coin, just like I have been planning for weeks. This is no mistake. You have no choice in this. It is going down.
A £2 coin is returned, and so, indirectly, 22 small coins have become one big coin. The game is on, and the train speeds the master change exchanger to...
Target 2 - the vending machine. Actually, two machines at this station. The carefully crafted master plan continues, as 20 ten pee coins are deposited into the machine. The second part of the plan is about to go down. Two not-quite-hard-enough-to-buy-anything presses on the number pad for show, a slightly perplexed look for the benefit of anyone who may be watching, and then a press of the 'coin return' button. The return tray clinks to life not once but... wait, four times. That is not in the plan. I was expecting a shiny £2 coin, in exchange for my 20 tenpees, but what I have is FOUR 50p coins instead. Larger, heavier, more of them.. not in the plan. This is not how it was meant to go down.
The issue is considered momentarily, but the principle is still OK and 50p coins are not that bad, even if they're not quite as nice as £2 coins. The plan is still on. Maybe the machine situated on the other platform will be more forthcoming.
Target 3 - a different vending machine. Again, in go the coins. Ten 20p pieces this time. All smiles, everybody's happy. Nothing to see here. You won't even notice when it goes down, so smooth is the operation. Just one touch of the coin return button and .... wait! No good! This one hasn't got any change in it! The irony! The self-same mechanism which lets me change my change into larger coins (rather than just returning the coins I put in) is now keeping my change hostage, not returning any larger coins, and not returning the coins I put in. I have to buy something from the machine. This was not part of the plan.
I scan the machine for which items may be optimally purchased to ensure I get the whole £2 worth of value back. Top right, the unusual sight of packets of 4 Ferrero Rocher thingies. £1 each. Perfect. I take two and retreat to the inside of a moving train to consider the failure of the well-planned plan.
It must be all over, right? There's no way this superb plan can work if lurking inside each potential change-giving machine is the wildcard that actually, sorry, there's no change and you'll just have to buy some crisps instead.
I consider the issue while eating the nutty chocolate treats. There must be a way to tell if the machine has any change available or not. It is a two Rocher problem, but I hit upon a possible solution, and as the train arrives in the big city, another machine is waiting at the end of the platform, positively inviting me to test my hypothesis.
I invest 10p in testing the idea. All seems to stack up so far. And then, a break for a few hours to do the whole Bruce Wayne "this is what I do when I'm not being a superhero" thing.
Some hours later. Back at the station. The platform for my destination is machine-free. Obviously the authorities are on to the jig. They know that it is going down. The game is on once more.
The train stops at another station where machines are plentiful. This is the place, just like we planned. A casual wander past two machines at the end of the platform. One of them is interesting but skilled observation tells the keen change exchanger that it's obviously not the right sort for what's going down. The other one is a contender, though. Easy to test... and the blink of an eye reveals that it has no change inside. Time to cross to another platform.
Next platform, and interference from people wearing yellow jackets. They're obviously here because they know it's about to go down. And it is, but when the timing will be so perfect, the moves so well-executed, the plan so perfectly perfect, they will never see what happens right under their noses. I will have my change. And I will not be buying no crisps, either.
Back to the machine that took my pants down earlier. The test confirms it still has no change. The expected result. Now to the next machine. It paid out earlier, but I still have £6 worth of change in my pocket and it's just rude to hit one machine over and over again. But the test... is good. It does work. And there IS change in this machine. OK, three times in ten minutes. It's doable. It is indeed time for it to go down.
£2 of change goes in. The correct misdirection for anyone who's looking and might suspect that I'm just playing with the machine. The coin return. And four 50p coins it is. Time to take a break and move down the platform. Lots of people here now, clearly looking out for the changemaster. Time to act cool and check the train times. No hurry. Nothing to see here.
Patience pays off when an arriving train distracts everyone. Back to the machine we go. Same deal again. A mix of 5ps and 10ps and 20ps this time. £2 in and four 50ps back out in the blink of an eye. Almost there. Just £2 more. And we do it again, back to back, no waiting.
It has gone down. It wasn't perfect. It might get noticed. But I'm already on a moving train, speeding away from the scene. I started the day with £12 of small change, and now I have this...
...which is much better, don't you think?
Maybe I'll just take my 2ps straight to the bank, though.
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