Yes! Garfield. All hail Garfield. All hail the curtains of Garfield, pictured above. Although they are a bit faded, and as you'll see from the picture above, kind of hung in a less than excellent way.
I don't care if anyone else likes my curtains. Criticism of my styling choices only reinforces my desire to keep them. So I was not swayed by anyone in any way when I decided that it was time to replace these curtains with something else. I was already planning on doing so. Yes.
So I began scouring the internet for alternatives. First I checked eBay. And I found these!
These curtains would be nothing less than fantastic, I'm sure. They are also Garfield, but probably less faded and altogether equally as excellent. However, in these modern times I must think not only of myself, but also of other people. After all, if I bring several fantastically hot supermodels home, and they insist on sharing my bed, as is to be expected in line with my obvious sex god status, the Garfield curtains may kill the mood. Perhaps I need something more neutral.
And so it was that I set out into town, determined to buy some new curtains. And also some curtain hooks, which are also important. Happily, while scanning the carefully-laminated pages of the Argos catalogue in my local emporium, I found some excellent curtains. I also took the time to pick up an electric screwdriver, a foot-pump (for blowing up some inflatable furniture which I found while tidying up - but that's for another time), and some curtain hooks (described as 'suitable for all curtains and curtain rails', and how could that be bad?)
The sounds of the great Bernard Cribbins began playing in my mind as I returned home and began my quest to replace my existing curtains with new ones.
"Right said Fred, both of us together, one each end and steady as we go...
Tried to to shift it, couldn't even lift it, we was getting nowhere
And so, we, had a cup of tea..."
First problem. These curtain hooks "suitable for all curtains and curtain rails" don't fit my curtain rails. It turns out that what I have isn't a curtain rail, it's a curtain track, which, by the way, is different. Now I KNOW that I have the right hooks for these rails somewhere around here.. I'm just not sure where.
"Right said Fred, give a shout to Charlie, up comes Charlie from the floor below...
After straining, heaving and complaining, we was getting nowhere
And so, we, had a cup of tea..."
But then.. success! After looking through every drawer in the house, eventually I find the correct curtain hooks in a carrier bag at the back of a cupboard in the kitchen. And apparently they're not called curtain hooks, they're called curtain "gliders". Which, by the way, is different. But no matter, because I've found them. And so, back upstairs we go.
"Charlie had a think and he thought we ought, to take off all the handles...
And the things what held the candles... but it did no good, well I never thought it would..."
I very carefully attach the 'gliders' onto my new curtains, and try to get them onto the curtain rail.. And suddenly... disaster! No good! These 'gliders' are for a curtain rail which is ever-so-ever-so-ever-so-slightly smaller than the curtain rail already screwed to the top of my window!
I could give up right here, resolve to visit my local hardware shop tomorrow, and buy curtain "gliders" of the ever-so-ever-so-ever-so-slightly larger size.. But that would mean admitting defeat. And I already have hundreds of perfectly good gliders which it would be a shame to waste.
No problem. I happen to have a spare curtain rail. It's been stuck underneath the stair bannister for the last ten years as I couldn't find anywhere better to store it. But I still have it - ready for just such an occasion. So I just need to replace the rail. Easy.
"OH right, said Fred! Have to take the feet off, to get them feet off wouldn't take a mo...
Took its feet off, even with the seat off, should've got us somewhere, but no...
So Fred said let's have another cup of tea and we said right-o."
The rail doesn't fix onto the wall using the same fixings as are holding up the current rail. So I'll need to change those fixings as well. Not a problem, I actually have some fixings of the correct size, because they were in the same bag as the curtain hooks. I am nothing if not organised.
"Right said Fred, have to take the door off, need more space to shift the so and so...
Had bad twinges taking off the hinges, and it got us nowhere
And so, we, had a cup of tea.."
Soon, the old fixings are removed, and the new fixings are up in their place. Of course this isn't a hard job for someone of my DIY expertise, and so this is swiftly followed by the rail going up. And it looks marvellous, just ready for my new curtains and the 'gliders' which are already attached to them. Nothing can go wrong.
"Right said Fred, have to take the wall down, that there wall is gonna have to go...
Took the wall down, even with it all down, we was getting nowhere
And so, we, had a cup of tea..."
Turns out that there curtain rail which I've just spent ages screwing firmly into place is UPSIDE DOWN, which, by the way, means that the curtains won't go on! Unless I too hang them upside down, and that doesn't sound like a plan at all. Time to unscrew the whole lot, turn it around, and screw it back up again.
"Charlie had a think and and he said "Look Fred, I've got a sort of feeling...
If we remove the ceiling... with a rope or two, we can drop the blighter though!"
With the curtain rail fixed to the wall the right way up, the gliders slide onto the rail very nicely. I screw the end-bits firmly into place (which stops the curtains from sliding off either side of the rail) and step back to admire my handywork. The curtains open and close very nicely. Apart from the one on the right which is hanging a little strangely... why is that? Oh, I see, it's because some of the gliders actually aren't on the rail at all, they're hanging off... No, that's fine, I'll just unscrew the end pieces, take the curtains OFF the rail - again - and then put them back ON the rail - again.
"Right said Fred, climbing up a ladder, with his crowbar gave a mighty blow...
Was he in trouble, half a ton of rubble, landed on the top of his dome
So Charlie and me had another cup of tea and then we went home."
And after all that, it was actually fine. Look:
"I said to Charlie, 'We'll just have to leave it standing on the landing that's all.'
You see the trouble with Fred is he's too hasty.
Now you never get nowhere if you're too hasty."
I probably will buy those Garfield curtains as well, just in case I change my mind in future.
No comments:
Post a Comment