Real Men Use No Product

I am a man. Therefore I do not spend a whole lot of time thinking about frilly froo-froo things like what kind of moisturiser to wear, or where to buy the best skin conditioner, or how to tame my curly, flyaway hair. I have even treated some types of shampoo with suspicion if they come with 'added conditioner'. I have always been of the opinion that such things are unnecessary, and that all a head of hair needs is some shampoo and some water every so often.

But no, now in my bathroom, by means of my mother having sighted my hair, considered the issue, and formulated a solution to the problem, I have a bottle of fancy frilly froo-froo hair treatment. I have not yet tried it, because it is supposed to be applied to wet hair, and my hair has not been wet recently. It is called something like "Aussie Hair Insurance" or a similar improbable name. It is to be applied to wet hair, and it makes things better. That's about as much as I know or understand about how it works.

The name "Aussie" of course, is supposed to conjure up reassuring images of the outback, a haven of nature, kangaroos, and really great hair. It is a name which modern 'brand consultants' would class as one which scores high on the index of being 'authentic', such that the consumer presumes that this elixir has been individually obtained by flaxen-haired rugged Australian womens, directly from kookabara trees, eucalyptus plants, and freshly-pressed kangaroo juice... that sort of thing.

Reading the back of the bottle I could not adequately assess the 'authenticity' of any of the ingredients. A big part of the "Hair Insurance" elixir is something called 'Aqua'. As it happens I am a scientist and I know what that means - water. All of the rest seem to be names of complex and industrial sounding chemicals with names suffixed by '-enzene' and '-flourozene' and such. Even in its unopened state, the bottle smells of permanent markers.

I am sure it is very good. I will have to give it a try the next time my hair is wet. The delivery arrived just too late for my quarterly hairwash yesterday, so today my hair is big and frizzy, but this will pass. If the forces of Aussie are aligned, I may never have another big hair day again. Until I am 80 and they stop making 'Hair Insurance' because it's something that only really really really old men use, like Brylcreem. Then again, if I have any hair left when I am 80, I think I will be entirely delighted by any bigness that it may display.