King Of Postage and Presents

A busy day around the house today, as the nice people from Tesco delivered large quantities of seasonal food and drink and such, necessary to tide me over the whole two day Christmas period where the shops might be closed for a few minutes.

Having taken delivery of all that is needed to eat, drink and be merry, it was also time for the King Of Postage to resume his duties and ensure the delivery of the many bits and pieces that the world's eBayers had furiously bid on just recently. I sold something like 25 items at the weekend, and today was the day to take the largest and most heaviest items to the Post Office for them to be posted - by first class mail of course (The King is aware of Last Posting Dates) - to ensure delivery by Christmas.

Needless to say, even bearing his sack of pre-stamped mail, the King had to take his place in the queue behind many people who were stupid and ordinary, trying to post their strangely shaped items by just putting them in the largest jiffy bag that is purchasable. For the avoidance of doubt, the King wishes to make clear that enormous jiffies are NOT the way to safely post large or irregular objects, and he disapproves of such potential postage disasters.

If you are posting things which are strangely shaped (as indeed the King was doing himself this afternoon) then you must properly packetise the item. Or, to be blunt, put it in a box! Only a box will give your item enough protection not to arrive at the other end looking as if a hoarde of elephants have sat on it. (The Royal Mail have a special department for that, with many elephants sitting down on parcels as they pass through the machines. It's in Bristol.)

"But I can't just put it in a box, it will roll around and go lopsided and such" you might say, and the King of Postage would respect such a display of intelligence with the disclosure of further packaging secrets. Once you have your irregular item in a box, you need to make sure that it is properly insulated, cushioned from attack from any of the six sides which your box is statistically very likely to have. Bubble wrap is always nice to have and is freely available in common stores. But for extra deluxeness, the King of Postage recommends the new wave of "plastic air cushions", these being super elite pillows containing nothing but air. These may be placed around, underneath, and on top of your item, keeping it safe and secure, without adding crucial weight to your package that might otherwise cause the requirement to buy extra stamps.

When your package is properly wrapped, ensure to use appropriate taping techniques to keep your box nicely sealed and looking fantastic during its progress through the postal system and eventually to the doorstep of the recipient. Who wouldn't be delighted to receive a perfectly-wrapped package in time for Christmas?

So, in summary, you can never be the King of Postage, but you can get close by always having a good supply of the following:

- Parcel Tape (bonus points for the good thick stuff)
- Common bubble wrap
- Plastic mailing bags
- Nice cardboard boxes
- Air Cushions
- Sellotape (the WIDE stuff, not the thin rolls)

And always remember, Jiffy Bags are only to be used for posting CDs, DVDs, and small books. If it isn't flat, square, or rectangular, use a box.

The King of Postage has spoken. And wishes you all a Merry Christmas.