Spammage

I was in a chat room earlier. Yes, really. And while I was there, thousands of people all jumped on me, asking, nay, demanding more sumptuous blog updates. Needless to say, it was just lovely to realise that millions of people are reading. But what to write about? What to do?

I suggested that I could post the contents of my spam email folder. Deafening applause was given to this ground-breaking piece of internet performance art (I shall call it an "installation", so people know that it is proper culture.)

Damien Hurst here I come. Or Tracey Ermine, perhaps. Move my bed into the Tate, why not? But first, the art:

"Don't let your  -dick- look like a kid from the Philippines. Try this efficient medicine."

That's really awfully coarse and troubling, don't you think? Sadly it doesn't get any better.

"Promote your little soldier of love in a new year! Wishing your life was better? Fortune smiles only on real men! Grow to be a self-confident fellow with a huge pen!s in year 2008!"

Word of my fame is clearly spreading. Here's another one:

"Special holiday offers for pen!s enlargement remedy! Do you think you're being treated improperly? Fortune smiles only on real men! Become a happy guy with a big pen!s in year 2008!"

A big car? A nice fat payrise?

"Experience unforgettable pleasure with your new improved dick! Order now, and you won't regret it!"

Unhappy with your body part? Why not replace it with a new one. Only at Halfords! Actually I'm pretty sure Halfords wouldn't be involved in such a scheme. Replacing body parts is really only the kind of thing you'd expect to see in an actual proper hospital. Probably not an NHS one either.

"Hot Older Ladies!"

At least they're not talking about my trumpet any more. Maybe it's getting better!

"Do you always blame your hard luck? Only real men have all the luck! Change to a fortunate fellow with a huge phallus in year 2008"

Oh, this isn't getting any better at all (although I enjoy the symmetry of "fortunate fellow") - what is causing all this email?

"Do not be shame for reason of of your male aggregate size. Your chick does not want to be with you by reason of your organ size. Don't miss this good possibility to solve the trouble. All you have to do is just put to use our device enlargement. Your life will change sure enough."

That one appears to be offering to service my Bontempi. And who wouldn't be delighted by a change of subject? I certainly would. Whoever is telling these people about the size of my johnson is a total fibber.