Ant Gets There Eventually

I remembered the big thing that I was going to write about.. Proof that my mind is not failing me entirely - sometimes it takes me a while, but I get there eventually.

So here's the thing. This morning I was reading my email. I get all kinds of newsletters and things, so it was no surprise when I saw in my inbox that the nice people at Amazon wanted my attention. I like Amazon a lot. I buy books and music and all kinds of stuff from them.

Today's email was announcing something new. And really quite unexpected. Because it seems that Amazon now sells.. erm... well... I'm not sure there's a nice way to put this. Erm.. Amazon now sells.. sex toys.

I'm not sure what's worse. The fact that Amazon, the lovely little mom and pop bookstore down the road is now selling these.. erm.. implements.. or that Amazon's massive computers think that this is something which I'm going to be really interested in, so they send me an email about it. With pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. Of big.. things!! Aaargh!

I'm used to getting email from Amazon. It knows what I've bought and it recommends me things. "Mr Ant, as a previous purchaser of works by Franz Kafka and Jean-Paul Sartre, we think you may enjoy these writings by Gabriel Garcia Marquez." This is all very intellectual and very fine. It is a testament to my well-groomed mind that I am profiled in this manner and recognised as the thoughtful person that I am.

However this is a new direction. "Mr Ant, as a previous consumer of filthy, filthy pornography, we think you may also enjoy the 24 inch bumhole intruder." I mean, it's not like I don't know what these things are - I may be a virgin but I'm not naive - but I just can't get over what a shock it is when an old friend suddenly gets new on you. I'm going to get rude here, so if this offends you, switch off your television set now.

Because it's one thing to expect a nice book recommendation. It's quite another to see, in words and pictures, "Rabbits! Pleasure sleeves! Love balls! Dongs!!", several things that made me wonder "what the hell is THAT?", and, in what I assume is some kind of spelling mistake, "Clitorial stimulators". It's just.. so... eeeh!

I'm not sure why it freaks me out so. I guess it's just a surprise to find this kind of thing in your face.. erm.. so to speak... when you're least expecting it. But I guess I get the message. The next time I'm looking for a 'Gold Oscar' (eeew!), a "Top Cat Corkscrew" (aaargh!), or "The Inflatable Erotic Party Piggie" then I guess I'll know where to go.

I did like the advert at the bottom of the page, though. "Check out our great value DURACELL BATTERIES from £4.91..."